"Lots of people have sisters. I just happen to have a cyst-turd."

"Is the garlic toast done yet, hon?"

"Wow, is it ever. One of them looks delectable, and the other one is just plain perfect."



Where did my parents find this preternaturally cheerful little boy?!

Another email:

If you can read this, you have x-ray vision!!

- Kevin

inbox

You have one new email.

From Kevin Titan:

Pretty people think
Lice always
Eat during or
After boredom of
Sitting down
Enviously.

Red is
Equal to
Pie and
Little bees are
Yellow.

Think Down!

"Look at this plane I just designed. I call it the CARRIEr, because it has great aerodynamics, but it doesn't go very fast. Wait, actually, you don't have great aerodynamics. Never mind."

in the future, I'm gonna call you special-K and you're gonna call me ecsta-C. I'd do it now except you wouldn't get the references. Thank god.

Mom: "Was the restaurant crowded last night?"
K: "Oh, goodness! If there wasn't someone walking in the doors, the phone would be ringing!"

(singing)

"Look at this glider,
Its name is Delilahr..."

Over the summer, I started watching the Office pretty intensely. I roped Kevin into watching, too, so I could quote random segments of it at will to a captive audience. While I was at UCLA, though, he kept watching, and now he's like 25 episodes ahead of me.

K: I just watched the wedding episode and it's beyond beast!
C: That's great.
K: You need to watch it. NOW.
C: Not now, I'm busy.
K: But you have to! Fine, if you won't watch it now, I'll just tell you what happens.
C: No.
K: I WILL.
C: omgwtfbbq YOU BETTER NOT.
K: So, in the Wedding episode -
C: Kevin Titan I will murder you!
K: in the wedding episode, they get married.

C: ...

Big man on campus

Kevin: "Today in Social Studies, we discussed the a-word, s-word, and f-word. Agriculture, specialization, and farming."

"Club Penguin just started giving out badges."
"Yeah?"
"They're really cool!"
"What do the badges do?"
"Well they're used mainly for bragging rights. So you can say to your friend 'Hey loser, you only have 12 badges? Well I have 108!'"
"How many badges do you have?"
"...12."
"What'd you get them for?"
"Mainly by playing games but I also got one because I didn't log on for 100 days in a row."

Dude. That is beyond genius for the folks at Club Penguin. A lot of kids have premium accounts there. Now they're being rewarded for not playing the game. Club Penguin is literally charging money for the privilege of doing NOTHING.

My Future, by Kevin M. Titan*

I am going to middle school next year. I will be in a math class with 6th, 7th, and 8th graders. It will be a challenge but I can handle it. The next year, my stupid sister will leave for college and I will get all of her stuff. This will NOT be a challenge. I will go to college at either MIT or Caltech, depending on which one is farther from my sister. (I know that Caltech has fewer girls so I might go there.) I will become an architect and design a few important landmarks, but mainly mansions. I will buy land in Ft. Lauderdale on the river and I will build a house for my parents there. I will have six children. After that, I am not sure what the future holds.

*written with assistance from the Titan parents

I am driving the whole family to our friend's house. My phone keeps ringing. I know it's Kevin calling because I can hear my voicemail from the phone he's holding in the backseat.

"Kevin, cut it out."
"Why?"
"What do you mean, why? Because I'm not going to pick it up and if I did, I might crash into something."
"That's the point, stupid. You crash and you get in huge trouble and I win, again."
"Actually, you're in the car I'm driving, so if I were in a crash, you would be in it too. And you could get hurt."
"... Oh. I didn't plan that far."

K: Last night kinda sucked.
C: Yeah?
K: Yeah. I drooled this disgusting circle right in the middle of the pillow.
C: Uh, did you flip it over?
K: Man! Why didn't I think of that?! Well first I tried sleeping to the right of the drool and then to the left but it was right in the middle so neither worked. Finally I gave up and just slept on the floor. I spent a long long time thinking about how bad my life is before I fell asleep.

Kevin: *walks into my room holding bizarre-looking stick
Me: What the hell is that?
Kevin: A double headed arrow.
Me: Why the hell do you need an arrow with two tips?
Kevin: It's pretty simple, really. The first one pierces the skin and then the second one enters the puncture wounds and drills into the flesh.
Me: Uh, hold up just one second. Whose flesh are you planning on drilling into?
Kevin: Wellll, let's just say it's a really really good thing that you're always nice to me and you're never mean...right?

I just got owned, so hard.

I ran out of toilet paper last night, so I made a mental note to go grab some from the stack in mom's room. About 9:30 pm, Kevin comes in with a roll. "Hey Carrie, I noticed you were out so I got you some." I hear him in my bathroom taking the old tube out and sticking the new roll in. Man, do I have a champ for a brother or what?!

I'm not sure what happened next.

I went to bed later and woke up today at 8:30, groggy and needing to pee. Somewhere in the depths of my brain, a little voice went "Hold up! We need to restock the tp!" And then the rest of my brain went "Nah, it's cool, the little bro held down the fort for us." So I use the restroom, and you guys, toilet paper is not optional for the fairer sex. It's not like, "oooh, my package of rosewater scented handwoven Peruvian toilet paper was just delivered! I'll have to try it out sometime!" It is a necessity, not a luxury.

So I turn to grab the toilet paper that Kevin had so helpfully brought last night...wait a minute... That fink stole it!!! What the hell?! The whole delivery thing last night was just a ply to lure my subconscious into submission?! What kind of evil, twisted, ELEVEN year old genius would plot that sort of thing, let alone carry it out?!

Talk about owned.

"Kevin, apply sunscreen."

"Why?"

"Whadaya mean, why? Are you stupid? So you don't get sunburnt and die of skin cancer."

"I know, but I won't get skin cancer. Only 10% of people get it."

(I have no idea where he got that stat or whether it's true.)

"Kevin, that's ridiculous! Only 10% of people are lefthanded, but look at me! Just because something's less than 50% doesn't mean it can't happen!"

"...Really?!"

"Yes, really! Now apply the damn sunscreen!"

"Sheesh, Carrie! You have more pairs of jeans than I have body parts!"

"I just made up a song!

How many days are in a year?
How many years are in a day?
How many people are in America?
How many Americas are in a people?
How many teeth are in a Kevin?
How many Kevins are in a teeth?"

"We have a tennis lesson again tomorrow."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. It's at 7."

"Oh, cool."

" 7 in the morning."

"#*+';"->€!!!"

"When I'm naked on top, I have an alien on my stomach. See? These two things are the eyes and my belly bottom is the nose. It is a surprised alien."

"My science teacher is amazing at telling stories! She's nearly as good as you!"

Man, biggest compliment of my life? Probably.

"Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to high five the wind."

On my new (remarkably unflattering) haircut:

"Wow, I didn't think you could get any uglier. Guess I was wrong."

"You started screaming really loudly in the middle of the night yesterday. I searched the Internet to see whether screaming is a sign of puberty, but I didn't find anything. "

When I go off to college, Kevin's gonna have to deal with Mum going through menopause, by himself. Teheheh.

"I think I am probably the most miserable little boy on Earth tonight. Please just leave me alone."

"You think you're so smart, Carrie. Well, your IQ is actually zip-zero-negative-nada. "

"Hey, look what I discovered! If you write a 3 and a 1 and draw a circle around them, and turn the paper sideways, it looks like Hitler!"

"What the Mythbuster?!"

"I am going to be a Democrat when I grow up. I mean, I'm not fat, and I don't like cigars, so I'm not qualified to become a Republican."

"It's a girls' night out! Plus me."

Kevin got an mp3 player for Christmas.

He spent most of today trying to figure out how to download music.

Finally, he ended up with F.U.N, Hedwig's Theme, and Fireflies, which is "not a lot of songs, but they're the only good ones anyway."

Seriously, Fireflies? Kid is inexplicable.

"I finally figured out what I'm going to do for you and Dad's birthday presents! I'll buy you a coupon organizer!"

"Uh, I don't have any coupons to organize."

"I know that, stupid! But you'll take it to Dad and give it to him for his birthday! So really, I'm giving you the gift of Dad's birthday present! I'm so smart!"

"That'd be a fantastic plan, except one thing. Dad's birthday comes before mine."

"...Oh."

When Mum was pregnant with Kevin, Dad took care of me a lot.
When it was time for my baths, he washed my hair with dish detergent.

On the day Kevin was born, it was just me and my grandpa at home. For breakfast, he made me a cake sandwich - a piece of chocolate cake between two pieces of white wheat.

I had this play fishing set. You'd take a pole with a magnet over it, and flick it over the container with magnetic fishes. I brought it with me to the hospital, so me and my little bro could play it together! Dad said Kevin wasn't ready to play yet so I sulked, dropped the play set, and lost five of my magnetic fish.

When Kevin came home, I had to be quiet all the time and it sucked. Once, Mum was rocking Kevin to sleep in the living room and she told me to be extra-quiet so he could sleep. I ran upstairs to the bedroom directly above the living room and started jumping rope, stomping as hard as I could. Kevin woke up and started crying. I ran into my room, locked the door, and hid in my closet. I didn't come out for a long time, not even for dinner.

We used to play a game where we pretended we were bears. We'd crawl under the coffee table and put up pillows all around us. I was Jarly and Kevin was Carly. We were supposed to have lots of adventures and be awesome and things like that. But one day, I decided that the coffee table doubled as a vending machine, and we could touch any place on it and receive whatever food we wanted.

From then on, it stopped being The Adventures of Jarly and Carly and started being Cafeteria Time, I think. Kevs loved ordering pizzas, over and over again.

Kevin used to take karate lessons when he was in kindergarten.
I convinced him that if I put nail polish on all of his fingernails, they'd be "ninja tough!" and "enemy proof!". He was so excited. I used hot pink nail polish.




I got in trouble forever for that but it was way worth it.

"CARRIE CARRIE CARRIE CARRIE CARRIE CARRIE!!!"

Kevin must be in serious trouble. He's screaming at the top of his lungs. Did he trip? Is he bleeding? I drop everything and run out of my room to check on him.

"Kevin! What's the matter?"
"Oh, not you. I was just trying to teach Phoebe how to talk."

We have neighbors. Kevin enjoys playing with them.

"Well, we have this rule called Swish. That's where the basketball doesn't touch the backboard at all. It's all net, man! So that's two points each."
"Did you get a lot of Swish points?"
"34!"
"Wow, you got 34 points?"
"Nah. That was just swish points. I also got 20 regular points."
"54! Nice! How'd Cheyne and Steven do?"
"They had 3, combined, I think. Or 4 or something little like that."

I never though I'd say this, but Kevin's absolutely a giant compared to Cheyne and Steven. He towers over them. I'm not sure if it's ethical to allow him to continue playing - and dominating, man! - with them, but they seem to enjoy it, I guess.

Need a good all purpose phrase? Something that can be used when you win at bingo, or find a coin on the ground, or manage to nail your big sister in the head with a wasp? Try this on for size:

"TODAY MUST BE MY LUCKY DAY!!!"

"You know what I just realized? Your name rhymes with hairy and scary. My name rhymes with Heaven. Wow, Mom and Dad sure did a good job naming us!"

Kevin went to Curriculum Night for his new middle school this past Monday. What'd he think?

"Well there were other kids and teachers and stuff, but Carrie! The trashcans weren't big enough for me to fit, so I won't get shoved down them! What a good sign."

"So you're planning on just standing there for the next four hours? I hope I'm not that lame when I'm in high school. Also this music is stupid and too loud."

All undeniable. The IB Ball failed to impress Kevin.

Kevin enjoys my new phone far more than I do, thanks in large part to Brick Breaker.

"Nooooo! What's happening? What the freak?! That's the cheapest thing ever! I hate this game!!! --- Just kidding. I'm actually doing fine. I just wanted to make some exciting commentary. Indestructible, that is my name!"

"Carrie! Carrie! We totally need to enter this contest from Canada Dry! You could win $10,000 and a baby!"

"...Er, what?"

"MONEY AND A BABY! I've always wanted that! ...Wait a second. That squiggly thing is a comma. Oh. Never mind. It actually says 'You could win $10,000, baby.'" *sighs in disappointment*

Kevs was really excited about the snow so he woke up super early Saturday morning. He couldn't find his sled, so he found a random piece of cardboard and slid up and down the street for a couple hours on that.

Of course, Mum nearly died of embarrassment, but man, that kid had a ball.

When I was little and Kevin was littler still [couldn't yet crawl], I used to amuse myself by setting him on top of a pile of blankets on the ground and jumping over him.

Occasionally Kevin says incredibly prescient things, which is one of the reasons we keep him around.


"You know what the best thing about bagels is? There's never any endpieces!"

I got new furniture.

Kevin examined the new bed for quite some time.

"There's only 4 bars for support? But how will the bed ever survive Carrie?"

C: When do you think Kevin'll be one of those stereotypical grown up sons? Like mowing the lawn and stuff like that?

M: ...He called me today. "Mommy, mommy, there's a bee in the house and I'm so scared!" I think we have a long way to go.

I just taught Kevs to use chapstick.

Shakespeare, watch out. There's a new soliloquizer in town.

[delivered over a period of about five minutes. Insert hearty, pregnant pauses between sentences for the full effect]

"Mmm. This food is good... Good food... Hey, that rhymes!... Carrie, you're fat... You're... Fat... No, doesn't rhyme.... Your fart. Your...Fart...No, still doesn't rhyme."

Whenever Kevin irritates me, I tell him about a really cool memory. Like the time we went to Cedar Point. Or New York. Or Niagara Falls. And I ask him whether he remembers it at all.

And he always says, "Yeah! Yeah! That was so much fun!"

Then, I tell him that he didn't exist at the time.

New Years Resolutions for 2010:

Dad: I resolve to have more children.
Carrie and Kevin: WHAAAT.
Kevin: Uh, no. No more children. I refuse.
Carrie: Yeah, that's what I said too, eleven years ago ...