"I am going to be a Democrat when I grow up. I mean, I'm not fat, and I don't like cigars, so I'm not qualified to become a Republican."

"It's a girls' night out! Plus me."

Kevin got an mp3 player for Christmas.

He spent most of today trying to figure out how to download music.

Finally, he ended up with F.U.N, Hedwig's Theme, and Fireflies, which is "not a lot of songs, but they're the only good ones anyway."

Seriously, Fireflies? Kid is inexplicable.

"I finally figured out what I'm going to do for you and Dad's birthday presents! I'll buy you a coupon organizer!"

"Uh, I don't have any coupons to organize."

"I know that, stupid! But you'll take it to Dad and give it to him for his birthday! So really, I'm giving you the gift of Dad's birthday present! I'm so smart!"

"That'd be a fantastic plan, except one thing. Dad's birthday comes before mine."

"...Oh."

When Mum was pregnant with Kevin, Dad took care of me a lot.
When it was time for my baths, he washed my hair with dish detergent.

On the day Kevin was born, it was just me and my grandpa at home. For breakfast, he made me a cake sandwich - a piece of chocolate cake between two pieces of white wheat.

I had this play fishing set. You'd take a pole with a magnet over it, and flick it over the container with magnetic fishes. I brought it with me to the hospital, so me and my little bro could play it together! Dad said Kevin wasn't ready to play yet so I sulked, dropped the play set, and lost five of my magnetic fish.

When Kevin came home, I had to be quiet all the time and it sucked. Once, Mum was rocking Kevin to sleep in the living room and she told me to be extra-quiet so he could sleep. I ran upstairs to the bedroom directly above the living room and started jumping rope, stomping as hard as I could. Kevin woke up and started crying. I ran into my room, locked the door, and hid in my closet. I didn't come out for a long time, not even for dinner.

We used to play a game where we pretended we were bears. We'd crawl under the coffee table and put up pillows all around us. I was Jarly and Kevin was Carly. We were supposed to have lots of adventures and be awesome and things like that. But one day, I decided that the coffee table doubled as a vending machine, and we could touch any place on it and receive whatever food we wanted.

From then on, it stopped being The Adventures of Jarly and Carly and started being Cafeteria Time, I think. Kevs loved ordering pizzas, over and over again.

Kevin used to take karate lessons when he was in kindergarten.
I convinced him that if I put nail polish on all of his fingernails, they'd be "ninja tough!" and "enemy proof!". He was so excited. I used hot pink nail polish.




I got in trouble forever for that but it was way worth it.

"CARRIE CARRIE CARRIE CARRIE CARRIE CARRIE!!!"

Kevin must be in serious trouble. He's screaming at the top of his lungs. Did he trip? Is he bleeding? I drop everything and run out of my room to check on him.

"Kevin! What's the matter?"
"Oh, not you. I was just trying to teach Phoebe how to talk."

We have neighbors. Kevin enjoys playing with them.

"Well, we have this rule called Swish. That's where the basketball doesn't touch the backboard at all. It's all net, man! So that's two points each."
"Did you get a lot of Swish points?"
"34!"
"Wow, you got 34 points?"
"Nah. That was just swish points. I also got 20 regular points."
"54! Nice! How'd Cheyne and Steven do?"
"They had 3, combined, I think. Or 4 or something little like that."

I never though I'd say this, but Kevin's absolutely a giant compared to Cheyne and Steven. He towers over them. I'm not sure if it's ethical to allow him to continue playing - and dominating, man! - with them, but they seem to enjoy it, I guess.

Need a good all purpose phrase? Something that can be used when you win at bingo, or find a coin on the ground, or manage to nail your big sister in the head with a wasp? Try this on for size:

"TODAY MUST BE MY LUCKY DAY!!!"

"You know what I just realized? Your name rhymes with hairy and scary. My name rhymes with Heaven. Wow, Mom and Dad sure did a good job naming us!"

Kevin went to Curriculum Night for his new middle school this past Monday. What'd he think?

"Well there were other kids and teachers and stuff, but Carrie! The trashcans weren't big enough for me to fit, so I won't get shoved down them! What a good sign."

"So you're planning on just standing there for the next four hours? I hope I'm not that lame when I'm in high school. Also this music is stupid and too loud."

All undeniable. The IB Ball failed to impress Kevin.

Kevin enjoys my new phone far more than I do, thanks in large part to Brick Breaker.

"Nooooo! What's happening? What the freak?! That's the cheapest thing ever! I hate this game!!! --- Just kidding. I'm actually doing fine. I just wanted to make some exciting commentary. Indestructible, that is my name!"